I Struggle, And That Is Okay.

Dear Reader, 

In light of some recent events that have taken place this week, I feel very strongly about some things I just have to share.

I have never been the kind of person who feels like I needed to be perfect all the time. My parents have never made me feel like, if I wasn't perfect then I wasn't good enough. People have always excepted me for who I am. But for me, I have always felt like, if I struggle then there's something wrong with me and people won't love me if I let them know I am hurting on the inside. I struggle to find my place in my own heart. 

I struggle to feel beautiful, to feel loved, to feel strong and smart. And if you have ever been around me, you wouldn't be able to tell unless you caught me at a low point. Most of the time I come off as a very confident person, I seem really strong. But, I am good at putting up a front when I want to. Which is most of the time. 

I have so much confidence in others, and I am always the supporter in others lives. I love people, so I invest my time in them, and along the way I have sort of forgotten to take a look at my own life and evaluate my problems, my struggles, and the thing I have just sort of looked over. I have never dealt with the things that actually bother me, and that is just not okay.  

In the last couple of months it has been really hard for me to keep putting up this front, it's exhausting! Though I have tried hard to be strong for everyone else, I have decided I need to learn to be strong for myself. I know that I am strong, smart, beautiful, and even loved on a daily basis. But, it is more than okay to struggle too. I feel lonely sometimes, but as long as you and I can remember that we are never really alone, things will be okay. Everyone has struggles, and for me a lot of times it feels like I am the only one could really know what I'm going through, but there are so many people out there that are struggling... just like me. None of us are alone. We have each other.  We have our Father in Heaven who loves us more than we can ever fathom. 

So this is for me and for anyone else who is struggling...

Wether you're struggling on the inside and you've been holding it in for a very long time, or you're struggling with physical things, or even both, life can and will get better. Your situation might not change right now, and may never, but even people who come from the worst situations, can... and have made it to the top. I have faith that no matter how awful I feel on the inside, I can choose to look forward to another day, a better day. Make a resolution everyday to be happy, be confident, and to make choices that will better your life, for you! So that through a happy and successful life, you can touch others lives.

I am not perfect, I am still going to struggle, but I want to be better, and I am going to do everything in my power with a higher power by my side, to be the person I know I can be.

"Far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to be" -unknown

"The only person you should try to be better than, is the person you were yesterday" -unknown

Sincerely, 

Someone who struggles

Love, Let Me Tell You About It!

Dear Reader, 

Today, I woke up and I did exactly what I want to do every morning! I was actually awakened by a phone call from my roommate saying, "Go find Sugar Lips, and talk to her!" So I did exactly that, and then after talking with her for a while, I said a morning prayer, read my scriptures, and went back to bed. After a small nap, I woke back up, got ready for work, and for some reason... while I was walking to work, I looked at the sky and thought of how amazing the sky was and I was so grateful that God had given us rain and then an amazing blue sky, I felt an overwhelming love! I felt love for the earth, love for the people in my life, and love from my father in heaven, it was an indescribable experience. I literally felt like my heart was going to explode from all the love I was feeling!

I got to work and things were like always.. sort of unlucky. But it didn't really matter, nothing could bring me down today! Finally when work was over, I realized I would again get to walk another mile home in the amazing weather. What a blessing it is to not have a car on days that are so amazingly beautiful. During my walk home I thought of all the people in my life, and how much I love everyone! I love the people who come to my Sunday School lessons (I really do take time to prepare), my FHE brothers (who are not only handsome, but amazing men), the people that I live with (the most gorgeous woman ever, inside and out), the people that pop in and out of my life, and the people that are always just there for me when I need them. I thought about the things people have done for me, and the way people have been so loving towards me and excepted me for who I am. I am truly blessed and I know God's hand is in my life.

But today... something was different. I felt not the regular love I normally feel, but a love that was so unconditional I couldn't contain it! I was hugging and kissing people (on the cheek) consistently throughout the evening! It was probably creeping people out, but I just felt like I had to. My love for everyone in my life was at an ultimate high. It was great. 

I was asked to share a thought for our Monday night activity, and naturally this is what I found, "Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there." That is the kind of love I felt for everyone today, and I whole heartedly believe that we can all feel that love as we come closer to our Father in heaven. 

For anyone who saw me today, you might not have known it, and I might not have outwardly shown it, but I was feeling so much love for you! And even if I didn't see you, know that I love you. If you are reading this, and have read this far, of course I love you, you are reading what I have to say and you matter. If you have had any past experiences with me that weren't the best, forget them! I don't care about anything bad that has happened in the past because the past is exactly that, we need only look back to learn from the past. Stay moving forward to the future, but don't forget to cherish the present, because it is a gift! From now forward I choose to love, and except the sincere love anyone will give me. Being able to love is a gift from God, embrace it!

So much love,
A Daughter of God

Am I Really Indecisive? (Be Confident)

Dear Reader, 

I tell people all the time, "I'm so indecisive!!!", "I can't decide, you decide!", "I don't know what to do" and then... in effect, I end up doing nothing or something I really don't actually want to be doing. And in all honestly, 9 times out of 10, I know exactly what I want! It always just seems out of reach, not realistic, or I am too afraid to say what I really want. WHY?! 

Well... for me the answer to that question started with a quote from Christopher Robin. Yes, Whinnie the Pooh's bestest friend :)..."You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"  What inspiring words! Now let me give an example of what I am really talking about.

May of 2013 my sister graduated college and is now teaching 5th grade. Her and I have visited home since she started teaching and in a conversation with our mom, she said to my sister, "I don't know why you ever switched majors, ever since you were little you wanted to be a teacher, and now you are, and you love it." I continued by asking, "Mom, what did I want to be when I was younger?" and of course her response was, "Oh I don't know, A MOTHER." This explains so much about me! I love babies, I love kids, I love coaching, cooking, baking, and I have been told more than once that I care about people too much. I was meant to be a mother. And I am so confident about that! But in turn... I haven't started my continued education yet, because what I really want to do is out of reach. It isn't realistic right now. I have recently decided, I just want to do my generals. Where? I don't know yet, but I am confident an education will help me be better prepared to teach my children and be a mother. Because, knowledge is strength.

Now before I can even become a mother, I have to find a companion to spend the rest of my life with. What an intimidating, but exciting thought! Finding that one person to spend time and all eternity with, someone you can't live without. How the heck do I do this?! I don't even have a "type". Where do i start?! And I am happy to tell you that living in Provo, meeting the people have, I have found that answer. I need to start with me. Ha, weird concept, but also very true! 

I need to know who I am, what I stand for, and I need to be confident with who I am. And guess what? I am working on it. I can't become super confident over night, no one can. Everyone has doubts and fears and things that hold them back from being their full potential. For me, I have discovered what they are, and I working at breaking them down! I had a bishop once tell me, that Greatness is people being what they are meant to be, and having daily victories. When we get up every morning, we need to say to ourselves, "Look out world, I am up and ready to be great!" Be confident, have daily victory, and I'm not saying everyday will be perfect. We will all goof up, but there is always another day! 

Why is it, that in a show for children, comes a message that applies more to me now as an adult? "You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think" I am Brave, I am Strong, And I am Smart. And you are too :)

Go forth with confidence!!! That is all :)

Much Love,
Someone who cares

Who am I to judge? (Be Vulnerable)

Dear Reader,

Blogging is hard.

I've started so many letters, and I just can't ever decide what is good enough to put out there for everyone to see. And then I realized... I need to embrace vulnerability. I need to put stuff out there and accept any comments that come without fear of people judging me. Everyone judges! All the time. And the internet is just a big judge-fest.

I have a friend who shared a BuzzFeed post about Millie Brown, the girl who starves herself for 2 days... drinks colored milk... pukes it up on canvas... and then calls it art! Though I agree with him that it is art (bizarre art, but art none the less), I still think it is extremely unhealthy and not okay! It is glorifying bulimia, and it's disgusting. There is seriously something wrong with the world, this day in age.

But... I judged her. I don't know who she is and why she does what she does. Maybe it is to get noticed.. and in that case, great job Millie! I know Miley Cyrus has said that the reason she has been doing crazy things is because she wanted her music to be at the top, and now it is, she got what she wanted. Note to self: Don't name my child Miley!  But, none the less, both of these girls were vulnerable, they did what they felt good about, and let the judgement fall where it may. 

I don't want to do crazy things like them, but I do want to be vulnerable, and be all me for everyone to read on this blog, and all me... in life! I want people to know who I am, I want people to know where I come from, and why I am the way I am. No crap. Just all me! 

I want to say thank you to the handsome man I went on a date with the other day. He was vulnerable with me and I was able to open up to him and be myself. It was exactly what I needed and I don't know how I will ever repay him for how much good he did me. My friendship and love will just have to do ;)

Thanks for reading! Til' next time!

Much Love, 
Brooke